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Monday, 09 August 2010

  • Battles with Addiction

    It starts with an itch...

    You get a flash of your last hit, and brush it off as a fleeting thought. You continue about your day like nothing ever happened. 

    You sort through your e-mail, check your facebook page and ignore that poke. Just as you reach to open a new tab another image flashes before your eyes, this time paired with the feeling you had. That rush of emotion floods your veins and your heart starts to race as if you're reliving the moment. Then in a blink it's over, leaving you wanting, hungry for more. What started as a little itch is now a rash.

    Calm, stay, calm. Palms become moist and balmy, convinced yourself "That's my last time, I'll never need it again..." Yet here you are, fantasizing about how exciting one more time will feel. It seeps into your thoughts, simple things become a chore. Tossing in bed, trailing thoughts in the bathroom, the water runs for minutes as you gaze into the mirror no longer recognizing the face staring back. 

    "I need it" The verbal admission. 

    A wave rushes over, your stomach lurches. Standing mid step, frozen, completely aware of every involuntary movement in your body. Senses so heightened you'd put superman to shame.

    Shake it off, shake it off. Act normal.

    It spreads. You officially have the chicken pox.

    You told everyone around you that you've kicked the stuff. You hide your addiction well though, you bolt down the street doing 60 mph in a 45.

    "A pack of blacks, please?"   

    "You're too beautiful to be smoking." 

    You flash a slight grin, leaving the money on the counter. He doesn't see the rash, he doesn't feel the itch, there's nothing beautiful about the monster coursing through your veins.

    Ripping the pack in a fever, you tell yourself, there's nothing wrong with Black & Milds, it could be worse. Just need to take the edge off. Put the plastic tip to your lips; fumbling for the lighter. The flame puts you in a daze.

    Windows down, warm air blowing around you in a frenzy.

    Inhale. 

    Drowning in a sea of memories.

    Exhale.

    For the first time in days, you can truly breathe.

    Inhale.

    Heart beat slowly returns to it's normal pace.

    Exhale.

    Smoking again. Can't put it off forever. The monster must be fed, Scratch the itch.

    Inhale.

    The world is fooled, acting skills superb, Still addicted and no one knows. Cover those tracks well, don't you?

    Exhale.

    Tomorrow you have a date with your dealer. He knows exactly what you need, never more, never less.

    Inhale.

    Just enough to soothe the itch.

    Exhale...

     

    (24 hours later)

     

    The rush of that hit was better than the last one. That is some premium stuff, "Seriously, this is my last time, I'll never need it again."

    Home at last. You fly to your room and fall on your bed. Still in the clouds from the high of your last hit. You undress. Shirt glides over your face, the smell of the drug hits you. The events from that night recap in a fast forwarded montage. 

    You bite your lip. Ignore the itch

    "Where are my Blacks?" 

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

  • Nameless...

    Just came to give an update on my life, I'm sure plenty of you are concerned...

    My Temp assignment ended so now I'm back out there looking for work...hopefully I find something soon. Granted all my social events have been keeping me pretty busy. I'd prefer to be making money though. I miss saving money...bummed

    Setting up an interview for an exec assistant position and having lunch with someone I used to correspond with at Active, so hopefully that leads somewhere.

    Still kinda sorta not really dealing with Fiasco. I have a feeling that'll be ending really soon. I def wanna stop before his girl finds out. Women always find out... Once it ends with him I'll be cool being Me, Myself and I. When I was younger I hated being alone, but now I find it relaxing and liberating. I hate playing games and dealing with men that's all you do. The I won't call him first game, the i end all conversations game, The let's not have sex too soon game...ugh it's just a big effing headache I rather stay away from all that and just read a book...lol I'm open to suggestions....

    I was supposed to go to DR in July but i doubt that's happening sad But me and the homies maybe going to DC and get into some wild and crazy shenanigans for a weekend. Excited for that. This weekend going out for Trangs Birthday, more friends lots of alcohol bound to be a blast. I was supposed to do the Poconos July 4th weekend but that fell through bummed Despite whatever I just want to keep going to fun places with fun people. 

    in other news I cut my hair a bit...sigh my curly hair is no longer in my back but right at my neck shocked I was upset when it was happening because i didn't expect her to cut my hair the way she did. Needless to say I was upset but I kept telling myself that it would grow back and to relax and make the best of it. I've been doing many updos, twists, and flips. I'm trying to own it and be confident regardless because it was my choice to cut it so I can only be mad at myself. No more scissors though at least not with my curly hair.

     

    I feel like I'm rambling now so I think it may be bedtime...

    Nite nite

    ~Amira 

Monday, 07 June 2010

  • His Secret Sex Girl

    2:06 AM: What you doing?

    I was sleeping, the above was a text from Fiasco. He was probably coming home from Hoboken or NYC or White Plains wherever the boys decided to pick up girls and get drunk that night.

     

    Saturday nights I usually get texts like those, when I am awake we talk for a bit and I find my self speeding up the palisade passing Exit 11(my exit) and heading to Exit 14...

    This all started months ago, when one night Trang and I went out with him and Mahjong*. I've gotten much thicker in all the right places and my legs were out and my dress was tight. Clearly he noticed me and noticed everyone else noticing me. We danced and suddenly his face was close to mine and we kissed.

     

    I've known him since last summer when I joined the 21+ club... From the first time I saw him I wanted him...his body is to die for, everytime I look at him I go stupid. Trang spotted him when we were out in Nyack and said he looked like my type. I had already scoped him out and pictured what he could do to me (I have a nose for these things). But that night like many others he just passed me by. I learned that we had some mutual friends and started asking about him. I was told he has no game, which he doesn't and that he's 30(now he's 31 going on 32) which I didn't believe at first but now I know it's true.


    So returning to March 2010 in that small techno NYC nightclub, After we kissed we were almost inseparable all night. When he left to get something to drink I tried talking to other guys but they left much to be desired so I want back to his arms as soon as he returned. He called me trouble and I called him a pussy (lol which he later told me turned him on).

    Then I did something that I'm absolutely horrible at... I made him wait. I know that probaboly makes me sound like a super whore but I am extremely impatient when it comes to most things, and sex is no exception. For many nights we would go out, eat ice cream, have a drink, makeout and then nothing. No sex... It baffled me he didn't even try he would just roll over and fall asleep and I would lie there trying to figure him out.

    Despite our nearly decade age difference I've come to realize we have a lot in common. We share the same taste in music of course he schools me on some things and I show the old dog new tracks. He tells me stories of back in the day when he was young and not a kid anymore. When he was a teenager i was still throwing tantrums... Still I found myself falling for the very type of guy I always said I would stay away from. 

    Then after weeks of playing the "I'm going to convince you I'm not a common hoe" game, we slept together and it was great, which I expected. No pressure just plain ole enjoyable. So weeks went by and we were messing around and then it happens his relationship status changes on facebook and he is in a relationship with who I thought was his ex. Not only is she his "ex" but she has a kid. Which he claims is not his. Do you see my headache forming?

    She obnoxiously posts on his wall everyday, those phrases that scream "baby I'll kill myself if you leave me..." I simply smh and continue to do him. Wrong? I guess. Cause she looks like she's trying to get a ring from him. I just want a good time. Besides he was waving the no commitment, I wanna be single flag pretty hard I dunno why any woman would stay if thats the case. For now he's giving me what I want... for the most part. 

    So until I get bored, or I find something better, I'll keep being his "secret sex girl" as they called it on Sex and the City. I'm his young play thing, secret to the world and aspirin for the headaches his girlfriend causes. I like to think that I'm keeping them together...lol that's pretty bad... Let me stop

    *exits stage left*

    ~Amira

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

  • Anything is...

    Possible... After almost 6 months into 2010 I feel like that's the type of year it is. I know people always claim that the new year brings change and people lie and vow to themselves that things will be different but I decided to leave the labels back in 2009 and leave myself open to wherever the universe may take me...

     

    Never  in my wildest dreams did I think the universe would have me start the new year off in Japan:  

     

    When I was on the plane I didn't believe it was happening but there I was flying half way round the world on new years day... Then I finally landed and it all became real...

     

    especially once i used one of these...

     I need a bidet in my life I miss them so much 

     

    I miss the Onsen(public baths) yea I soaked with a bunch of naked Asian women and it was very relaxing... No pics of that sorry boys...

     

     

    This was a shot of Tokyo we were on the train ridiing from Harajuku(Soho of Tokyo) to Akihabara(Anime District)

     

    I have more pics on Facebook. The craziest thing I did was eat poisonous blowfish well besides the whole public shower thing. Granted I never had an issue with nudity. 

     

    I miss Japan like no other... After I came back which was like February I was depressed I didn't want to do anything AT ALL. I stayed in the house all day, to me New yYork was never going to be as warm and as welcoming as Japan was and I decided to hide from the world. 

    Anything is Possible...

    Slowly but surely my friends coaxed me out of the house and I finally started partying again, I took up Japanese because I've always wanted to become fluent. and then it hit me I want to make money. I gave a few half assed attempts at finding work until one night I was out at a bar and I got up and danced on the bar Coyote Ugly style(I was sober) and stared out into the crowd. Besides a bunch of cellphones taking pics and recording I saw people who were stuck... It frightened me because for the first time I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to, and dancing on bars as fun as it is wasn't what I had in mind. 

    After that night I started to grind. I sent my resume everywhere and signed up with all these different temp agencies and finally landed a job in media sales. Which is in the industry that I've always had a passion for.

    Anything...

    In love I was stuck... While I was in Japan I would talk to my ex, he would tug on my heartstrings and I wanted to avoid coming home even though i missed it a bit. I knew that I would have to deal with our messy mess and I just didn't want to...

    He was leaving for the Air Force and I had already vacated emotionally. To me it was done we were friends the end. Despite those strong feelings spending time alone with him convinced me to consider giving him another shot. After he left I cried because I missed him and deep down that wasn't what I wanted. I already accepted the fact that I was single and that I was free to just be me. Long story short he neglected to tell me he was going to be a father. That put an end to any relationship we could have ever had really quick. We still talk now but I don't see a future with him... I've out grown him and the lies...::shrug::

    ...Is it Possible...

    That I'd retract my resolve to stay away from certain types of people? Most certainly... I've done it in the past and now I'm doing it again. I've been talking to hmm let's call him Fiasco for about a month and change now. He's older in his thirties and from where I'm standing he's living a double life. But more on that later that deserves its own post.. 
     I always told myself I'd never talk to an older man but that seems to be what I'm attracting these days. ::sigh:: From one messy situation to another...

     

    and I leave you with this thought that has been floating around in my head

     

    If anything is Possible, What possibilities are we open to? Really think about that and try to envision what you want... But take it from me be careful what you wish for... 

     

Sunday, 20 September 2009

  • It's Fun Gettin Into Trouble...

    So as my title suggests, there's a slight chance that trouble may rear it's ugly head. I dunno my spidey senses are tingling. Public Affection "friendly kisses", a hug that's a little too close, a look that could be taken another way. Perhaps my estrogen levels are absurdly high and i'm just reading into things that aren't there. As a matter of fact the more i think of it the more that I think I'm crazy for thinking this. Yea, him??? nah Can't be... Well I don't wanna be added to his list. So I'll just fall back and let his actions speak...I may indulge a tad just enough to prove that I'm right

    Aside from my assumptions I've stated above I'm pretty much Y chromosome free. I haven't been interested lately and men are just so icky these days, all I see are walking breathing dirtbags. I'm waiting for someone to prove to me that not all men are goons. Unfortunately I feel like I may be waiting for a while, because New York is home of the goon...

    School so far has been keeping me extremely busy.., Extremely. So far I've had a quiz every week and already had a paper due...It's been three weeks. I'm trying my hardest to keep up so I don't fall behind. I think this semester will be a good one. I'm taking Japanese the language is wild, but I'm determined to become fluent.

    Anyway I dunno when the next time I'll update this, yea who knows...

    EZ ~ Amira

CapItWithSarcasm

  • Visit CapItWithSarcasm's Xanga Site
    • Name: Amira
    • Birthday: 12/29/1987
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 3/22/2008

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  • The revolution will not be televised, however you can probably catch 10 minute clips of it on Youtube...

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